The first 46

The first 46, what a ride it has been so far. I can hardly wait to see what's going to happen next.
You can't even imagine what I've been through in 46 years.  When I tell you that My life so far has been a hell of an adventure that could fill a novel, trust me that is putting it lightly.
It's a real page turner. This is starting to sound like a damn obit.
So while I was scanning bloggers post and reading about those and the stories of their life, it made me wonder if we really know them. How much is fact? fiction? How much are they not telling us?
This blog has given me the chance to open up and share my life but most of all, be more revealing.

Anyho. The next 46?
Well one fucking thing for certain is, I'm not ever going to deny or hide being in love with a man. Now of course this wont mean I'll be suiting up in my finest leopard print string bikini with a synthetic rainbow Afro wig for demonstration on a daily basis. Also I wont be groping and french kissing Bill in a public display of affection at the local Burger King.  No I'm talking about something different when I mean hide or deny.

This leads me to a chapter of my life I'm deeply ashamed of. It pisses me off that I have done some stupid ass shit but this ranks right up there with other shit that has been omitted from my blog.
First, I will quit saying that Bill is my Brother In Law. HAHA aint that the funniest shit you ever read. Yes, when we are out in public or work and happen to meet a stranger or co worker>>I always say that Bill is my BIL.
And of course we always played the part with other truck drivers, talking about pussy and ho's. You know just the usual stupid bullshit men talk about to express their "manliness"
I'm fucking pathetic, mhm I know.

Now in the beginning my family was in the dark and I had always kept the "girlfriend" lie going.   When I met Bill it was top fucking secret, and we when decided to give this thing a go, I stole away in the dark of the night. Hehe not really in the dark. But I did move without telling anyone why, I figured this would allow me to dodge all the questions.
Anyways I should have just told my family from the get go. But I couldn't I was so fucking confused, I felt ashamed.
Hell it didn't help that after moving, my Dad discovered some letters Bill had handwritten me expressing his love/sexual desires for moi, which for some odd reason I felt the need to hermetically seal with gray duct tape in a shoe box and hide in a closet. Oh the dumb shit just keeps piling up, doesn't it?
Bill on the other hand never had a problem with anyone knowing about us being together like I did. I think he always sensed my shame of being in love with another man.
On our first holiday together while with his family he told his Mom that he and I were in a relationship.  And the next few sentences went like this,  or as black folk say 'goin down'.
I remember Bill's Mom asking what foolishness did he mean by relationship? (Gawd If I could turn back time.)  You have to know Bill's Mom, she is a little Aunt Estherish at times so when it got really loud and she kept pushing him by wanting to know what the hell was he talking about he yelled " we are fucking". lord no he didn't. but he did and the next few sentences started and ended with me being the blue eyed devil and satan. Which by the way was/ is a false statement. My eyes are hazel and aren't the devil and satan the same person?
Moving along
I always had this ideal that I wanted people to know me for who I am, and not for just being in love/fucking with another man. I didn't want a label in front of all the other stuff, like instead of being the GAY fat old bald crazy uncle, I somehow thought just being the fat old bald crazy uncle was  better. HEHE oh lawd I'm a hot mess.
Did I say I hate labels?

NO MORE Hiding or denying.  From now on if someone ask, so how did you two become co-drivers? or who are you fishing with? or who are you waiting on?
I will look them dead in the eye and say. "My butler"
No, I will say I'm waiting on my best friend, the love of my life, the person I've spent the last 20 years with and if it's some fat nosey ass fucking queen trying to get all up in my business, I'll say I'm waiting on my HUZBEEN, ho.

So this is another chapter that is developing.
Bill has asked several times if I wanted to get married. And I've never said no, but hell fucking no and for only one reason. I was afraid or ashamed of what every body else thought. I always used the excuse that it wasn't for me, and I'm not the person to do this. It was to fucking silly. Who needs a sheet of paper? Why do people make such a big fuss about it?
Then it hit me. yes I already know what most of you are thinking. Damn this ho is one slow learner and I admit, I am.
But I realized that small steps and changes NOW will affect all those that have to deal with this shit after I'm long gone.

Ho I refuse to sit around and watch this shit go down like this.

I'm getting married. Fuck it.
Yes I know that it's just a piece of paper and it probably wont mean a damn thing to anyone else. Hell most states wont even recognize it. But, it will be a start.

The way I see it I'm hoping that the five kids #9 is raising will pass on to their kids that we are all equal. That they will grow up understanding that love is equal for everyone, not to say that #9 doesn't already do an amazing job. She alone has changed so many lives for the good and is a champion when it comes to equality.
Only if we had more Mom's like her. She is always telling me about small steps.
So here is my one small step.

I'm hoping the things I do now will help change how things are for future Tugboats.