Special Visit

For those special few that are dear to me understand that some of the language you read will be offensive. I apologize before hand.
I'll have an opportunity to see Bill tomorrow if I like.
It's not a difficult decision.
Some will say I already know if I'm going to stop or not. But I have not a clue.
Why would I want to see him? Sex? No it's never been about sex.
I truly care for him. I have been there when your true family and friends are not.
Besides, Bill and I have some great memories of the good times.
One thing I've never said is how extremely hurt I've been by family and as God is my witness the only way they would ever know would be by reading this blog.
My feelings are guarded and protected by my silence and ability not to share them.
Of course they would never admit how ashamed they are of me.
Their actions have spoke volumes.
Me being a fucking fag and in love with a Nigger. Yes folks I've heard those words once.
Does it hurt or anger me? Yes.
I guess being from a family that had never had any openly gay role model, I adopted the mind set that what I am and feel for the same sex is wrong.
To this fucking day I still have a problem being myself. I'm ashamed too that I've placed myself in this box of shame.
If Mom was here none of this would matter. I would be able to say exactly what and how I feel with no repercussions
Once during our time together I just began to sob, she said nothing.
She knew that if I had anything to say I would say it.
"Look at me just a big ol' tit bag" I said the I smiled, she cried and we both just boo hooed. We had been through so much with Dad at the time.
I just dealt with it.
Look I will be fine, if I haven't learned anything over the years, Tugboat will work it out. Just being able to let it out is a beginning.

I guess you'll have to sit on the edge of your seats to see if I stopped to see Bill
STAY tune for news!
Until then?
LET'S RIDE HO'S!

Comments

Ken Riches said…
I would recommend seeing him, but only for lunch or dinner, to let the pain pass. Do not get involved yet, it is still to soon. Jusn my two cents.
June 9, 2010 at 5:07 PM
mrs.missalaineus said…
i cant remember if i mentioned this yesterday or not, but you are one of my role models for more reasons that i can possibly explain and the more you open up the more respect i have for you and your journey.

i once had family members that said similar things about me because i wanted to teach in detroit. fuck them and their small minds, blood does not always equal family in my book. they can live in their small minded world and i'm just gonna keep on doing what i do with or without their racist disapproval. i know who has my back and it isnt them.

(((((((tug)))))))))))))

just keep on keepin on man and swing by for some dinner if you are in the area because we always keep a portion ready in case our family stops by for supper. we even have a huge lot nearby for parking.

xxalainaxx
June 9, 2010 at 5:14 PM
the dogs' mother said…
I hope it works out. I feel you wouldn't have been with Bill if he wasn't someone special. All that said I also realize that some things are just not meant to be. And I agree about family. Family is who loves unconditionally.
June 9, 2010 at 5:48 PM
Miss Ginger Grant said…
If it feels right, do it. If it seems wrong or confusing, just keep driving.
June 9, 2010 at 6:22 PM
#9 said…
who are you kidding?
June 9, 2010 at 10:53 PM
kayce. said…
everyone seems to think you definitely will see him, but i bet you won't actually decided until the second you have to ~ you're good at following your instincts like that. ;) if you DO see him, i hope it's productive rather than confusing; you've both done a lot of soul-searching since you broke up. if you don't see him, i hope that it gives you peace.

and i have to agree w/ mrs. a: your emotional honesty and openness on your blog are an inspiration to me. you're very brave, tug. :)

xoxox.
June 10, 2010 at 2:32 AM
David Dust said…
Sis -

Oh honey, go see him with the goal of "Let's Ride, Ho!". Touch him in the morning, then just walk away...

Ain't nothing wrong with a little sex between exes.

XOXOXOXOXOXO
June 10, 2010 at 7:35 AM
Joy said…
I'm wondering what you decided to do. Whatever it is, will be OK.
June 11, 2010 at 4:47 PM
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